Can someone please just glance over my argument and give some point...please be honest in your opinion!!!

The following appeared as part of a campaign to sell advertising time on a local radio station to local businesses:
“The Cumquat Café began advertising on our local radio station this year and was delighted to see its business
increase by 10 percent over last year’s totals. Their success shows you how you can use radio advertising to make
your business more profitable.”
Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc.

In an attempt to sell the radio advertising time, the advertisement claims that radio advertising is guaranteed to improve the sales. To bolster it’s reasoning the advertisement provides evidence that the Cumquat Café was only able to increase its sales by 10 percent over last year’s sale because it advertised its products on the radio. On the face value the argument looks very convincing but has many loose ends because of which the argument falls apart in its current shape and form. The argument tends establish a very causal relationship rather than co-relation between advertisement and growth in sales.

Primarily, the author fails to consider if any business decision such as introduction of new product, change of hours of operation or introduction of new service –drive way counters, could have had an effect on the growth of sales. Moreover a very important reason the argument fails to consider is the difference in weather patterns, the city might have experienced an elongated winter which in turn could have caused increased consumption of coffee. The argument assumes that the grown in sale was a direct effect of advertisement

Secondly, the author generalizes the cause and effect on one product for every product and fails to analyze that coffee is a mass item whereas other items may not be. For example if a furniture company advertises on radio the result may differ significantly. People could have visited Cumquat café to try something different whereas people don’t visit furniture shops daily to try new furniture. Hence the arguments errs in it’s generalization. Similarly there are various kind of differences between each business hence we cannot safely assume that effects will be likewise.

In conclusion it would be imprudent on the business for a business to invent in radio advertisements solely on the basis of the evidence presented. To strengthen the conclusion it must be established that the radio advertisement was the principal cause of the increased business. Once it’s shown it must be analyzed if the nature of business is similar to Cumquat Café and if the business can expect the similar returns. Without the statements in question it will not be advisable to invest on radio advertisement.

Hi Saurabh,

Overall, nice job.

On the positive side:
1. Clear organization, easy to follow due to use of signal words such as "primarily," "secondly," etc.
2. Your points are well-supported by examples (e.g. the furniture store contrasted to the cafe in your second point)
3. Well varied sentence structure

Suggestions for improvement:
1. If possible, 3 points (body paragraphs) would be better than 2. A good third one here might be to question how much money the cafe had to invest in advertising to achieve that 10% increase in business, and whether that investment was worth it.

You have mentioned elsewhere on this forum that you are not a native speaker of English, which may be why there are more than a few errors (idioms, word choice, phrasing). Don't stress too much about that since:
a. The O.G. states that even essays that score 4, 5, or 6 may have some flaws. However, more pervasive errors might adversely affect your score.
b. You are unlikely to be able to change your writing style significantly before taking the GMAT in the near future.

What you can do short-term:
1. Make sure you leave enough time to proofread. I'm pretty sure some of your errors were nothing more than typos.
2. To leave yourself time for proofreading (and writing a 3rd paragraph, as suggested above), consider simplifying your prose. The essay doesn't have to be a work of art; it does have to be complete and reasonably correct. Also, simpler prose relies less on the use of idioms, which can be tricky for nonnative speakers of English.

But again, good job overall. I thought your content was just fine.

Thank you very much Emily. Well yeah I re-read the essay and figured out that it made some typos.

Thank you veyr much for your feedback.

Saurabh Malpani

Wow, that was awesome that you took the time to dissect Saurabh's essay, Emily. Excellent points as well - I think your suggestions will help many of us.

I know that very nice of her!!!

Thanks you once again!!

Saurabh Malpani

You are welcome! One more thing: I recognized this essay topic as one from the Official Guide 11th edition p. 769, but I should have posted the citation myself before responding.

A reminder for everyone: Please cite the source of your AWA Essay topics, same as you do for Quant and Verbal questions. Thanks!

I think this is the biggest part that you missed in the critique of the argument.

Increased sales != Increased profit. Even if the sales increased, costs may have increased. Advertising can drive only the revenue side. An organization's efficiency, market forces, and other elements drive profit.

One cannot assume EVER that increased sales = increased profit. This is a critical business idea that the GMAT tests often.

Hope that helps.