Hello,

I am currently taking MGMAT's virtual course. I was wondering if you could please give me some feedback on the analysis of an issue essay from the lab.

Thank you!

Issue: "In business, more than in any other social arena, men and women have learned how to share power effectively."

Analysis:

The author states that men and women in the business world have learned to share power effectively. It is assumed that
power in this argument is defined as being in a position to influence and make decisions. Although some may believe that
women have just as many opportunities as men have in the business world today, it is clear that when it comes to accessing
management positions and influencing key decisions, women are still at a disadvantage relative to men.

Firstly, when it comes to management positions, men still outnumber women by a significant number. In a survey conducted
by Forbes magazine, in all fortune 500 companies, women made up only 2% of senior management positions, and only 10% of
middle management positions. Furthermore, the study surveyed men and women to gain insight into their viewpoints on the
issue. The study found that many women who aspire to enter middle and senior management find it difficult due the
reluctancy of men to hire women. Men, on the other hand, felt that things were fine the way they were and saw no need to
change hiring policies. Clearly, this represents an inequity of power where men outnumber women in management positions,
and women are fighting to enter positions of power.

Secondly, the decision making process in business groups are male dominated. In a documentary by Sixty-Minutes, the
investigators observed various teams and their decision making process on how they approach business problems. The
investigators found that women tended to be stereotyped by men to be "information gatherers". The stereotyping hindered
women from contributing to the other parts of the decision making process. Furthermore, once all of the team members
shared their thoughts and ideas with one another, the final decision on how to proceed tended to be made by men. The men
would often close off contact with the women and make the final decision. This study of modern corporate America shows
that women are still viewed as subordinates to men. Women are not given the opportunity to share power in the decision
making process.

Women have come a long way over the years, and they are now able to apply for most jobs that are available in the business
world. However, women are still under-represented in key management roles. Also, when it comes to influencing decisions,
they are cast aside. An increased representation of women in management roles and the ability to contribute to key
decisions would help progress the equality of power.

Hi, we don't assess essays here in the forum - there are instructions in the lab as to how to turn your essays in for feedback. If you missed those instructions, you can also ask your instructor - I can't write them here b/c it isn't public information!

While 'firstly' is a word, I'm curious as to whether the GMAT will like this instead of simply "first".

Any ideas??

Again this is free advice and worth every penny you've paid for it. I'm not an instructor here.

With that disclosure, here goes...

Overall, you could improve by tightening your sentences. In several places, you use prepositions in a manner I'd characterize as potentially non-standard.

Example: "the investigators observed various teams and their decision making process on how they approach business problems. "

I don't think you can have a process "on" something. You can have a process "for" something, however.

Next, your use of "teams and their" could be replaced by simply "teams'"

The investigators observed various teams and their decision making process on how they approach business problems.

Could become

The investigators observed various teams' decision making process for approaching business problems.

Hope that helps.

First vs. Firstly - doesn't matter as long as you're consistent. If you use "first" you should use "second" at the appropriate later point. If you use "firstly" you should use "secondly" at the appropriate later point. The parallelism is the most important thing.