Here it is....please let me know how I can improve :)

Thank you!

ESSAY QUESTION:
"Although the modern information age has opened up channels of communication that never before existed, it, paradoxically, has destroyed the foundation of community by isolating individuals in a technological world that involves little real human interaction."

Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the position stated above. Support your viewpoint using reasons and examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.


YOUR RESPONSE:
I agree with the statement, "although the modern informatino asge has opened up channels of communication that never before existed, it, paradoxically, has detstroyed the foundation of community by isolating individuals in a technological world that involves little real human interaction."

When I first started my undergraduate studies, I joined the ballroom dance club. A few months later I was elected the social chair and I had many responsibilities which involved communicating with the other officers of the club. Not being accustomed checking my email on a regular basis, I actually missed the first several meetings! Not only were the meetings scheduled by email, but many of them were conducted as teleconferences or online meetings. This is one example where new channels of communication isolate individuals in a technological world.

My first job out of college was an engineering position at Motorola. The facility I worked in had about 1,000 employees, and the majority of the engineers sat in cubicles. Each cubicle, naturally, had a computer, which was used throughout most of the day. Motorola had an instant messaging system installed on the computers in order to simplify communication. The instant messaging system was widely used, and employees sitting 20 feet away from each other would actually instant message each other instead of simply walking over to the other cubicle. Software programs such as instant messaging greatly reduce the amount of human contact that individuals receive.

A third example where human contact is reduced due to technological communication development is text messaging on cellular phones. Text messaging greatly simplifies communication, where long telephone conversations are reduced to two sentence messages on a phone. This method of communication removes all aspects of human contact, including the other individual's voice.

In sum, the modern information age has significantly affected the amount of human contact that individuals receive. This has been exemplified by my examples above. Email, instant messaging, and text messaging isolate us and reduce huamn con

4. Would have been a 4.5 if you hadn't run out of time in the middle of your conclusion. :)

Things to improve:

Don't retype the quote - the grader can see it already and you have enough other things you want to write that you don't want to take time doing that. Instead, state your thesis in your own words; also, don't forget to acknowledge other points of view. For example, "While the modern information age has created efficiencies and broadened communication channels in some circumstances, by and large it is true that these new technologies have ushered in an era of social isolation."

Also, your opening paragraph should not be just one sentence. Also mention the examples you are going to use to support your thesis. (Don't actually explain them - just introduce them.)

Your first two body paragraphs are excellent - exactly what you should do. Your third paragraph is a little bit weaker because you used what we call a "hypothetical" instead of a real-world example. Instead of talking about what someone "could" do with text messaging, provide a very specific example as you did in your first two body paragraphs.

Finally, make sure you don't run out of time (you knew I was going to say that, didn't you?). :) You have to make sure you manage your time better. Next time you practice, keep tighter track of how you're spending your time. Did you spend too much time brainstorming your examples? Too much time figuring out the structure for your essay? Too much time typing out that quote? You've got to make sure you end on a strong note.

To that end, you may consider dropping your third example entirely. Your first two were great and you actually hurt yourself because the third example was "hypothetical" - and, on top of that, you couldn't finish your conclusion. I always use only 2 examples and I always score 6s, so you can get a good score with just 2 examples.

You're on the right track - just work on the things I've noted above and you shouldn't have too much trouble getting to the 5+ range.

_________________
Stacey Koprince
Instructor
Director of Online Community
ManhattanGMAT

Pls rate my essay too for the same question.



The world today has been blessed with the technical innovations that seem to have revolutionized the way we communicate.We have come a long way from message-carrier pegions and human messengers to online web confrencing,call confrencing ,thanks to the super cool technology.However,all this has not been free of problems.Though people are in virtual touch but we are indeed more isolated than our fore-fathers were,for we no more give hugs but resort to short consoling text messages in cell phone.

Though the modern gizmos have enabled us to talk to and see the people sitting thousands of miles away,this only means staring at computer screen for hours.Some might say that it saves time and money,but can the effects of personal handshake and touch be ever achieved by virtual talks?Unfortunately ,the technology has been able to bring us the body but without soul.The human interaction today is more of an online thing,on the contrary in the past people used to sit for hours discussing things on paper,the discussion that involved the charisma and tension-free time.

Today's communication gadgets have almost obviated the need to travel ,whether overseas or the neighbourhood.We have become so mechanized that if we spot fire in a neighbourhood ,we would rather tweet than take a bucket of water to help the neighbour.We would rather watch everything on a television and feel sorry for whatever happened rather than go and console the neighbour in person.Some people might call it little and neglible side effects of ease that virtual world has offered but those people need to realize that the effects of such subtle things, if chromosomed in our genes, would be irreversible.If the personal touch and human interaction is confined to the current levels,the day may not be far when there will be online tutorial to deliver the baby and to incrimate the dead ones.

Though the argument may exist for either sides,but if a human being has to continue being human,we have to realize the potential harms of being completely virtual and take neccessary corrective steps.Everyone needs a hug and everyone needs consolation but this cann't be achived over text,phone or chat .We are more isolated than our ancestors.A balanced use of time saving gadgets and human network can ensure that we pass on the legacy of being human to our offsprings.

Hi, thanks for posting your essays! Just an FYI that instructors no longer grade or give feedback on essays (see the forum guidelines for details). (The above essay was graded more than 2 years ago, at a time when we did still grade essays.)

But I certainly hope other community members respond. Also, if you're in our class, you'll have an opportunity to get essays graded and get written feedback during the course (after class 6). Finally, you can get essays graded by GMAT Write (the official essay grading service from the makers of the exam) - they'll both grade the essays and provide feedback as to how to improve (for a fee). For details and pricing, go to www.mba.com and search for GMAT Write.

_________________
Stacey Koprince
Instructor
Director of Online Community
ManhattanGMAT