Here it is....please let me know how I can improve :)

Thank you!

ESSAY QUESTION:
"Although the modern information age has opened up channels of communication that never before existed, it, paradoxically, has destroyed the foundation of community by isolating individuals in a technological world that involves little real human interaction."

Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the position stated above. Support your viewpoint using reasons and examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.


YOUR RESPONSE:
I agree with the statement, "although the modern informatino asge has opened up channels of communication that never before existed, it, paradoxically, has detstroyed the foundation of community by isolating individuals in a technological world that involves little real human interaction."

When I first started my undergraduate studies, I joined the ballroom dance club. A few months later I was elected the social chair and I had many responsibilities which involved communicating with the other officers of the club. Not being accustomed checking my email on a regular basis, I actually missed the first several meetings! Not only were the meetings scheduled by email, but many of them were conducted as teleconferences or online meetings. This is one example where new channels of communication isolate individuals in a technological world.

My first job out of college was an engineering position at Motorola. The facility I worked in had about 1,000 employees, and the majority of the engineers sat in cubicles. Each cubicle, naturally, had a computer, which was used throughout most of the day. Motorola had an instant messaging system installed on the computers in order to simplify communication. The instant messaging system was widely used, and employees sitting 20 feet away from each other would actually instant message each other instead of simply walking over to the other cubicle. Software programs such as instant messaging greatly reduce the amount of human contact that individuals receive.

A third example where human contact is reduced due to technological communication development is text messaging on cellular phones. Text messaging greatly simplifies communication, where long telephone conversations are reduced to two sentence messages on a phone. This method of communication removes all aspects of human contact, including the other individual's voice.

In sum, the modern information age has significantly affected the amount of human contact that individuals receive. This has been exemplified by my examples above. Email, instant messaging, and text messaging isolate us and reduce huamn con

4. Would have been a 4.5 if you hadn't run out of time in the middle of your conclusion. :)

Things to improve:

Don't retype the quote - the grader can see it already and you have enough other things you want to write that you don't want to take time doing that. Instead, state your thesis in your own words; also, don't forget to acknowledge other points of view. For example, "While the modern information age has created efficiencies and broadened communication channels in some circumstances, by and large it is true that these new technologies have ushered in an era of social isolation."

Also, your opening paragraph should not be just one sentence. Also mention the examples you are going to use to support your thesis. (Don't actually explain them - just introduce them.)

Your first two body paragraphs are excellent - exactly what you should do. Your third paragraph is a little bit weaker because you used what we call a "hypothetical" instead of a real-world example. Instead of talking about what someone "could" do with text messaging, provide a very specific example as you did in your first two body paragraphs.

Finally, make sure you don't run out of time (you knew I was going to say that, didn't you?). :) You have to make sure you manage your time better. Next time you practice, keep tighter track of how you're spending your time. Did you spend too much time brainstorming your examples? Too much time figuring out the structure for your essay? Too much time typing out that quote? You've got to make sure you end on a strong note.

To that end, you may consider dropping your third example entirely. Your first two were great and you actually hurt yourself because the third example was "hypothetical" - and, on top of that, you couldn't finish your conclusion. I always use only 2 examples and I always score 6s, so you can get a good score with just 2 examples.

You're on the right track - just work on the things I've noted above and you shouldn't have too much trouble getting to the 5+ range.